Hannah Borno

I’ve always associated hypnotism with slightly over-groomed men with fake tans, who manipulate their hapless victims into fancying a bloke in the front row. My suspicion hasn’t abated over the years. I know we can slap on a CD which will make us give up smoking, lose weight, and become super-rich, and get the girls but it all seems suspect. I really don’t want to surrender my mind to a man in a slightly too well cut suit, even if it’s in my best interests to do so. But my anxiety’s getting out of control - I’m getting chest pains and can’t sleep - so I booked a session with hypnotist Jean Luc, It’s true, Jean Luc is well groomed. But he doesn’t have a fake tan and he’s not wearing a suit - just a nice shirt. He may have been wearing mascara though - it was difficult to tell.


He counsels me about my anxiety and then I shift over to the white couch in the middle of the room. I sink deeper into relaxation as I count the numbers backward from 100 out loud. Jean Luc tells me that my limbs and eyes are feeling heavy. I’m walking on a beach and sitting in a field. I feel the breeze and sun on my face, the cool grass under foot. I then get into a boat on a shining pond and row towards a big hot air balloon sitting in the middle of the lake on an island. I float over the lake - it feels exquisite, I’m floating and serene. But then it all goes wrong. Jean Luc guides me to pull thick grey strings of anxiety out of my stomach and place them into the balloon. As I’m pulling the strings out of my stomach I genuinely can feel something coming out - I screech and sit bolt upright looking for the strings - my heart pounding. Jean Luc calms me down and we continue… The strings are now in the balloon and floating up away into the sky. He asks me to relax every time I see the colour red in future and I wake up.


In the debrief Jean Luc tells me that reacting as extremely as I did shows my anxiety is too extreme for hypnotism to tackle - my problems go deeper and it would be unethical for him to try to treat them. I feel dejected as I walk back to the tube. Untreatable!


I meet Charlie and have two glasses of red wine and some olives and feel better. At least some of the grey strings came out today. And CSI MIami is on later tonight. I love Horatio.